A year ago I would have never imagined that I would be living in a house that I own, I would have never imagined that my mother is remarrying after 7 years (or is it 8?) of being single, and would have never thought that I would be working back at my old job at a convenient store/pizza place, or that I would be engaged. With that said it kind of baffles me or maybe scares me a little to think what is in store for me a year from now. What changes are to be expected or unexpected that will affect my life? To think about that for too long would cause some severe mental strain I am sure. I only have now, this moment, this place, I have no idea whats in store for me tomorrow or even today for that matter. I may not even be alive for long. I want to enjoy every moment that I have right now. I want to look in awe at the beauty of God's awesome creation in wonder as if it is the first time seeing it. I don't know what kind of heartache or beautiful thing is around that bend in the road, but i want to enjoy and be thankful for every minute I have until then.
I also want to say how thankful I am for friendship. I have become really close the past few years with a girlfriend I work with. I cant explain the void that would be in my life if I did not have her friendship. It is so nice to be on the same page as somebody. To enjoy a nice long talk over coffee and taking walks and yardsaling. It just makes me very happy to have a friend that I can go to when I am hurting or excited. I really forgot how nice friendship is to have. I lived my life for so many years shutting people out because I was hurt by them, I learned to find comfort in loneliness. It feels good to embrace friendship again and let down my high walls.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Change
Change is in the air, I feel it all around me. The weather has been teasing us with warmth that is unusual this time of year but I know and can feel that the cold is coming and the snow will stick the next snowfall we have. These changes I find comfort in, it is probably because it is change that I can count on. I know what to expect from winter, spring, summer, and fall.
Life brings us changes that are not constant and not at all certain. If I let myself I could become overwhelmed with worry and hesitation. It is in my nature to resist change if at all neccasary. Yet some things are out of my control. It is finding peace with the unknown, that is the hard part.
I want to romanticize my life and feel that my exsistence has greater meaning then the daily activities that make up my life. I want my words to go on beyond myself. I want to find that passion and excitement I had when I was younger. I refuse to let myself get sucked into lifes great monotony.
I dont know even what I "believe" in anymore. I do know that if I am searching I will find the answers. Right? The Human experience has more to offer then just survival, of that I am sure.
Life brings us changes that are not constant and not at all certain. If I let myself I could become overwhelmed with worry and hesitation. It is in my nature to resist change if at all neccasary. Yet some things are out of my control. It is finding peace with the unknown, that is the hard part.
I want to romanticize my life and feel that my exsistence has greater meaning then the daily activities that make up my life. I want my words to go on beyond myself. I want to find that passion and excitement I had when I was younger. I refuse to let myself get sucked into lifes great monotony.
I dont know even what I "believe" in anymore. I do know that if I am searching I will find the answers. Right? The Human experience has more to offer then just survival, of that I am sure.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Written March 27th 2007 an old blog post I found that I wrote a long time ago...
Thinking of the word "grampa" brings so many good thoughts to my mind, and now that he is gone that doesnt change one bit. When I was 5 years old I remember it being recess at school and one of the boys in my class lost his grandfather and I remember saying to my friend at the time "He must be so sad I dont know what I would do if I lost my grampa." I couldnt even imagine what it would be like without him. He was always there for everything and I clung to him like a little girl does her daddy. Now that it has happened, now that he is really gone I am at a loss for what I think. If I had known a month ago that he would gone I think I really would have gone off the deep end but I think the Lord prepared me for it and when it was time I wanted him to go because I knew he wasnt getting better and it was time for him to be with the Lord. The man that didnt respond yesterday and couldnt even open his eyes wasnt even really my grampa, I want to write about the man I knew and Loved and still do love.
My grandmother told me once that she remembers when and why my grandfather and I became so close, it was in the winter and she was dropping off my little sister at my house and she had slipped and fell on the ice and had to be in bed for a long time. Well I was with her that weekend and it was up to Grampa to take care of me because grammy couldnt and from that time on I would go with him wherever he went and attacking him with as many hugs and kisses as he could stand (i am sure I stifled him more then once)
Grampa has always been a sarcastic man, The last time I really saw him like himself grammy was telling us that he beat her at scrabble and he overheard it from his chair and said "Are you still crying about that?" hah I sometimes wonder if that is where my little sister gets it from. He always was very caring. I was at my grandparents for the weekend when I was about 8 or 9, maybe even younger, and the phone rang. It was my mother and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to let me know that they had put down our family dog, Jake, that we had sense I was born. I just bursted into tears and ran for Grampas lap. He sternly said "now what could have happened to make you carry on so?" and I said "They killed Jake." and he just hugged me, because he understood. They had recently put down Sally his dog.
Once I asked Grampa what his biggest memory of me was and he got this grin on his face and I said "besides wanting to throw me out of the truck." I had rolled around in the hay in his truck and I had complained the whole way home that I itched. He said "how did you know thats what I was thinking of?" He then told me another one of his biggest memories and I cant for the life of me remember it but I am sure I have it in a journal somewhere.
One of my favorite memories was one weekend a couple years ago I was spending the week over at grammy and grampas and we were playing scrabble one night and they had on this old fashioned music playing from the tv. Well I started Dancing with Grampa in the living room and grammy came in laughing, trying to breath said or tried to say "can I cut in?" so they danced in the living room for quite awhile. I so wanted a camera that night. Grammy couldnt remember the last time they danced.
I sometimes I wonder if it is from my Grandfather that I have such a love for the Outdoors. He was outside every chance he could get. Either on one of his tractors or out getting sap from the trees. Hunting and fishing, you name it he loved it. I used to love to see the coyotes after he shot them and when he would get his deer and grammy would make venison stew. He knew all the trails and where they went. Whos' land it was and every which way the streams would go and he didnt even need a trail to get to where he was going. Which reminds me of when he sold some of his land out on the perkis road. I went out there with him to mark off where there land would be and he taught me so many things. Like what tree was what and I was just amazed at how much he knew and I wanted to be just like him. Well he is gone.. he is in Heaven and here I am thinking back on this legacy he left behind. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His wife, my grandmother is one of the strongest woman I know. I love her so much.
Just wanted to think back a little bit to all the reasons why I loved him so much.
See you one day grampy. I LOVE YOU
My grandmother told me once that she remembers when and why my grandfather and I became so close, it was in the winter and she was dropping off my little sister at my house and she had slipped and fell on the ice and had to be in bed for a long time. Well I was with her that weekend and it was up to Grampa to take care of me because grammy couldnt and from that time on I would go with him wherever he went and attacking him with as many hugs and kisses as he could stand (i am sure I stifled him more then once)
Grampa has always been a sarcastic man, The last time I really saw him like himself grammy was telling us that he beat her at scrabble and he overheard it from his chair and said "Are you still crying about that?" hah I sometimes wonder if that is where my little sister gets it from. He always was very caring. I was at my grandparents for the weekend when I was about 8 or 9, maybe even younger, and the phone rang. It was my mother and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to let me know that they had put down our family dog, Jake, that we had sense I was born. I just bursted into tears and ran for Grampas lap. He sternly said "now what could have happened to make you carry on so?" and I said "They killed Jake." and he just hugged me, because he understood. They had recently put down Sally his dog.
Once I asked Grampa what his biggest memory of me was and he got this grin on his face and I said "besides wanting to throw me out of the truck." I had rolled around in the hay in his truck and I had complained the whole way home that I itched. He said "how did you know thats what I was thinking of?" He then told me another one of his biggest memories and I cant for the life of me remember it but I am sure I have it in a journal somewhere.
One of my favorite memories was one weekend a couple years ago I was spending the week over at grammy and grampas and we were playing scrabble one night and they had on this old fashioned music playing from the tv. Well I started Dancing with Grampa in the living room and grammy came in laughing, trying to breath said or tried to say "can I cut in?" so they danced in the living room for quite awhile. I so wanted a camera that night. Grammy couldnt remember the last time they danced.
I sometimes I wonder if it is from my Grandfather that I have such a love for the Outdoors. He was outside every chance he could get. Either on one of his tractors or out getting sap from the trees. Hunting and fishing, you name it he loved it. I used to love to see the coyotes after he shot them and when he would get his deer and grammy would make venison stew. He knew all the trails and where they went. Whos' land it was and every which way the streams would go and he didnt even need a trail to get to where he was going. Which reminds me of when he sold some of his land out on the perkis road. I went out there with him to mark off where there land would be and he taught me so many things. Like what tree was what and I was just amazed at how much he knew and I wanted to be just like him. Well he is gone.. he is in Heaven and here I am thinking back on this legacy he left behind. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His wife, my grandmother is one of the strongest woman I know. I love her so much.
Just wanted to think back a little bit to all the reasons why I loved him so much.
See you one day grampy. I LOVE YOU
Monday, July 18, 2011
The difference in a year...
My laptop is broken and that is why I havent written in forever.
Here I sit over a year later in such a different spot. Right now I am sitting in my "Fiance's" (i hate that word... but love the meaning behind it)new building for his year round business for fried seafood. So yes i am engaged and very happily I must say. A lot has changed sense last year. It really seems like my last two years almost never happened. Like its a book that I read. J asked me to marry him on my birthday this year and I was shocked. You would think after being with someone for 4 1/2 years I would not have been so surprised but as it is I thought eventually I would have to drag him to the altar so it figures that when I wasnt really worrying about it and feeling pretty content with my life, he decides to pop the question. Second big change which actually came first. We bought a house right down the road from my older sisters and down the road a bit from my mother. which also happens to be the same town Jason's new take out restaurant is. I love our house. It really does need some updating but I am going to have a blast doing it.
Here I sit over a year later in such a different spot. Right now I am sitting in my "Fiance's" (i hate that word... but love the meaning behind it)new building for his year round business for fried seafood. So yes i am engaged and very happily I must say. A lot has changed sense last year. It really seems like my last two years almost never happened. Like its a book that I read. J asked me to marry him on my birthday this year and I was shocked. You would think after being with someone for 4 1/2 years I would not have been so surprised but as it is I thought eventually I would have to drag him to the altar so it figures that when I wasnt really worrying about it and feeling pretty content with my life, he decides to pop the question. Second big change which actually came first. We bought a house right down the road from my older sisters and down the road a bit from my mother. which also happens to be the same town Jason's new take out restaurant is. I love our house. It really does need some updating but I am going to have a blast doing it.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Needing to take action...
I wish that I could fall asleep tonight and something amazing would happen. I would wake up and realize my calling in life. I would realize the meaning and have a purpose an excitement to go forth and meet the day with energy and aspirations. I am 25 years old and still can not keep to one thing. So what do I do? I think and I analyze and I waste my days self loathing and hoping that I will figure out what I want. I am searching and I wish that I could be a kid again with the whole world ahead of me and really understand the truth in living with our decisions. Does everyone my age feel this way??? Somehow I just dont think so.
Time keeps on slipping...
This weekend was my baby cousins wedding.. and She did everything the right way. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. It was beautiful and pure. Such a lovely wedding. It is weird I find comfort in things that havent changed. I really think if I look at my reasons for going back to my mothers church which I have no for a whole month I really think its because it is old fashioned and feels like home. My motives are not altogether good. but I find comfort in things that never change. My world seems to constantly shift and change around me it feels good to go back to a place that hasnt changed. The hymns and the same friendly faces. The message that always screams to me that I am a sinner... It comforts me in a weird way.
Wow ... Rambling
Time keeps on slipping...
This weekend was my baby cousins wedding.. and She did everything the right way. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. It was beautiful and pure. Such a lovely wedding. It is weird I find comfort in things that havent changed. I really think if I look at my reasons for going back to my mothers church which I have no for a whole month I really think its because it is old fashioned and feels like home. My motives are not altogether good. but I find comfort in things that never change. My world seems to constantly shift and change around me it feels good to go back to a place that hasnt changed. The hymns and the same friendly faces. The message that always screams to me that I am a sinner... It comforts me in a weird way.
Wow ... Rambling
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Restless...
I never dreamt that life would be this way. This way meaning, unhappy and not sure where to go and what to do. I know that anyone reading this from my past would say "Its because your living in sin." or "You need to work on your relationship with God." I am sick of those answers. God knows me better then anyone, and almost noone knows me anymore. It was quite refreshing yesterday to run out of work and go meet my old roommate from bible school at a store called the settlement right off 95 even if it was only for 20 minutes. Mel probally knows my heart better then most people in my life. It was refreshing because I did something and Mel just started shaking her head and laughing that laugh that is so signature of mel and said "You are the same old Allison" I have changed so much in an outward sense and how I live my life but she can see through that and still see me. Everyone else around me really has no clue. I used to be a people person. Today at work I was kind of goofy and saying random things. Most people at first glance would take that as I am happy, but one perceptive person (which didnt make me happy) made the comment that i wasnt acting like myself. they said "You like to keep to yourself, you dont like people." They weren't saying it in a mean way just more bringing up the fact that I am an introvert. He then continued to ask if I was ok.
It is true though, no I am not ok, and I dont like people like I used to. but its not that I dont like them, its just not such a naive love of people. I find people interesting, its just now I feel like I can not relate to everyday people. I feel different. I find comfort in my own solitude now. I use to run from being alone and now I almost cherish it. I am still me though. Thank you mel for reminding me of that.
It is true though, no I am not ok, and I dont like people like I used to. but its not that I dont like them, its just not such a naive love of people. I find people interesting, its just now I feel like I can not relate to everyday people. I feel different. I find comfort in my own solitude now. I use to run from being alone and now I almost cherish it. I am still me though. Thank you mel for reminding me of that.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Read something earlier that made my heart pound and my eyes water. It was odd. Little parts of me that I thought were dead and gone sometimes resurface in the most mysterious ways. Reading about somebody elses hope when life did not give them much to hope for made me realize that in my past I didnt used to be so skeptical about life.
I am so out of touch with my inner goodness. I know that sounds weird. I have grown to be so selfish the last few years. I almost hate myself for it. It is time to do something about it and try to not be so jaded about life when I have a whole big world outside my door that is full of hope and life and dreams.
On another note.. I bought a pizza oven yesterday. Its not a convienant store but its the start of my store.. even if I have to buy it one piece at a time.
Hope.... Dream.... Something..
I am so out of touch with my inner goodness. I know that sounds weird. I have grown to be so selfish the last few years. I almost hate myself for it. It is time to do something about it and try to not be so jaded about life when I have a whole big world outside my door that is full of hope and life and dreams.
On another note.. I bought a pizza oven yesterday. Its not a convienant store but its the start of my store.. even if I have to buy it one piece at a time.
Hope.... Dream.... Something..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)