Change is in the air, I feel it all around me. The weather has been teasing us with warmth that is unusual this time of year but I know and can feel that the cold is coming and the snow will stick the next snowfall we have. These changes I find comfort in, it is probably because it is change that I can count on. I know what to expect from winter, spring, summer, and fall.
Life brings us changes that are not constant and not at all certain. If I let myself I could become overwhelmed with worry and hesitation. It is in my nature to resist change if at all neccasary. Yet some things are out of my control. It is finding peace with the unknown, that is the hard part.
I want to romanticize my life and feel that my exsistence has greater meaning then the daily activities that make up my life. I want my words to go on beyond myself. I want to find that passion and excitement I had when I was younger. I refuse to let myself get sucked into lifes great monotony.
I dont know even what I "believe" in anymore. I do know that if I am searching I will find the answers. Right? The Human experience has more to offer then just survival, of that I am sure.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Written March 27th 2007 an old blog post I found that I wrote a long time ago...
Thinking of the word "grampa" brings so many good thoughts to my mind, and now that he is gone that doesnt change one bit. When I was 5 years old I remember it being recess at school and one of the boys in my class lost his grandfather and I remember saying to my friend at the time "He must be so sad I dont know what I would do if I lost my grampa." I couldnt even imagine what it would be like without him. He was always there for everything and I clung to him like a little girl does her daddy. Now that it has happened, now that he is really gone I am at a loss for what I think. If I had known a month ago that he would gone I think I really would have gone off the deep end but I think the Lord prepared me for it and when it was time I wanted him to go because I knew he wasnt getting better and it was time for him to be with the Lord. The man that didnt respond yesterday and couldnt even open his eyes wasnt even really my grampa, I want to write about the man I knew and Loved and still do love.
My grandmother told me once that she remembers when and why my grandfather and I became so close, it was in the winter and she was dropping off my little sister at my house and she had slipped and fell on the ice and had to be in bed for a long time. Well I was with her that weekend and it was up to Grampa to take care of me because grammy couldnt and from that time on I would go with him wherever he went and attacking him with as many hugs and kisses as he could stand (i am sure I stifled him more then once)
Grampa has always been a sarcastic man, The last time I really saw him like himself grammy was telling us that he beat her at scrabble and he overheard it from his chair and said "Are you still crying about that?" hah I sometimes wonder if that is where my little sister gets it from. He always was very caring. I was at my grandparents for the weekend when I was about 8 or 9, maybe even younger, and the phone rang. It was my mother and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to let me know that they had put down our family dog, Jake, that we had sense I was born. I just bursted into tears and ran for Grampas lap. He sternly said "now what could have happened to make you carry on so?" and I said "They killed Jake." and he just hugged me, because he understood. They had recently put down Sally his dog.
Once I asked Grampa what his biggest memory of me was and he got this grin on his face and I said "besides wanting to throw me out of the truck." I had rolled around in the hay in his truck and I had complained the whole way home that I itched. He said "how did you know thats what I was thinking of?" He then told me another one of his biggest memories and I cant for the life of me remember it but I am sure I have it in a journal somewhere.
One of my favorite memories was one weekend a couple years ago I was spending the week over at grammy and grampas and we were playing scrabble one night and they had on this old fashioned music playing from the tv. Well I started Dancing with Grampa in the living room and grammy came in laughing, trying to breath said or tried to say "can I cut in?" so they danced in the living room for quite awhile. I so wanted a camera that night. Grammy couldnt remember the last time they danced.
I sometimes I wonder if it is from my Grandfather that I have such a love for the Outdoors. He was outside every chance he could get. Either on one of his tractors or out getting sap from the trees. Hunting and fishing, you name it he loved it. I used to love to see the coyotes after he shot them and when he would get his deer and grammy would make venison stew. He knew all the trails and where they went. Whos' land it was and every which way the streams would go and he didnt even need a trail to get to where he was going. Which reminds me of when he sold some of his land out on the perkis road. I went out there with him to mark off where there land would be and he taught me so many things. Like what tree was what and I was just amazed at how much he knew and I wanted to be just like him. Well he is gone.. he is in Heaven and here I am thinking back on this legacy he left behind. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His wife, my grandmother is one of the strongest woman I know. I love her so much.
Just wanted to think back a little bit to all the reasons why I loved him so much.
See you one day grampy. I LOVE YOU
My grandmother told me once that she remembers when and why my grandfather and I became so close, it was in the winter and she was dropping off my little sister at my house and she had slipped and fell on the ice and had to be in bed for a long time. Well I was with her that weekend and it was up to Grampa to take care of me because grammy couldnt and from that time on I would go with him wherever he went and attacking him with as many hugs and kisses as he could stand (i am sure I stifled him more then once)
Grampa has always been a sarcastic man, The last time I really saw him like himself grammy was telling us that he beat her at scrabble and he overheard it from his chair and said "Are you still crying about that?" hah I sometimes wonder if that is where my little sister gets it from. He always was very caring. I was at my grandparents for the weekend when I was about 8 or 9, maybe even younger, and the phone rang. It was my mother and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to let me know that they had put down our family dog, Jake, that we had sense I was born. I just bursted into tears and ran for Grampas lap. He sternly said "now what could have happened to make you carry on so?" and I said "They killed Jake." and he just hugged me, because he understood. They had recently put down Sally his dog.
Once I asked Grampa what his biggest memory of me was and he got this grin on his face and I said "besides wanting to throw me out of the truck." I had rolled around in the hay in his truck and I had complained the whole way home that I itched. He said "how did you know thats what I was thinking of?" He then told me another one of his biggest memories and I cant for the life of me remember it but I am sure I have it in a journal somewhere.
One of my favorite memories was one weekend a couple years ago I was spending the week over at grammy and grampas and we were playing scrabble one night and they had on this old fashioned music playing from the tv. Well I started Dancing with Grampa in the living room and grammy came in laughing, trying to breath said or tried to say "can I cut in?" so they danced in the living room for quite awhile. I so wanted a camera that night. Grammy couldnt remember the last time they danced.
I sometimes I wonder if it is from my Grandfather that I have such a love for the Outdoors. He was outside every chance he could get. Either on one of his tractors or out getting sap from the trees. Hunting and fishing, you name it he loved it. I used to love to see the coyotes after he shot them and when he would get his deer and grammy would make venison stew. He knew all the trails and where they went. Whos' land it was and every which way the streams would go and he didnt even need a trail to get to where he was going. Which reminds me of when he sold some of his land out on the perkis road. I went out there with him to mark off where there land would be and he taught me so many things. Like what tree was what and I was just amazed at how much he knew and I wanted to be just like him. Well he is gone.. he is in Heaven and here I am thinking back on this legacy he left behind. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His wife, my grandmother is one of the strongest woman I know. I love her so much.
Just wanted to think back a little bit to all the reasons why I loved him so much.
See you one day grampy. I LOVE YOU
Monday, July 18, 2011
The difference in a year...
My laptop is broken and that is why I havent written in forever.
Here I sit over a year later in such a different spot. Right now I am sitting in my "Fiance's" (i hate that word... but love the meaning behind it)new building for his year round business for fried seafood. So yes i am engaged and very happily I must say. A lot has changed sense last year. It really seems like my last two years almost never happened. Like its a book that I read. J asked me to marry him on my birthday this year and I was shocked. You would think after being with someone for 4 1/2 years I would not have been so surprised but as it is I thought eventually I would have to drag him to the altar so it figures that when I wasnt really worrying about it and feeling pretty content with my life, he decides to pop the question. Second big change which actually came first. We bought a house right down the road from my older sisters and down the road a bit from my mother. which also happens to be the same town Jason's new take out restaurant is. I love our house. It really does need some updating but I am going to have a blast doing it.
Here I sit over a year later in such a different spot. Right now I am sitting in my "Fiance's" (i hate that word... but love the meaning behind it)new building for his year round business for fried seafood. So yes i am engaged and very happily I must say. A lot has changed sense last year. It really seems like my last two years almost never happened. Like its a book that I read. J asked me to marry him on my birthday this year and I was shocked. You would think after being with someone for 4 1/2 years I would not have been so surprised but as it is I thought eventually I would have to drag him to the altar so it figures that when I wasnt really worrying about it and feeling pretty content with my life, he decides to pop the question. Second big change which actually came first. We bought a house right down the road from my older sisters and down the road a bit from my mother. which also happens to be the same town Jason's new take out restaurant is. I love our house. It really does need some updating but I am going to have a blast doing it.
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