belief....

Lately I have been searching, or struggling to understand what it was I was brought up to believe. This is pretty much a constant inner battle that I have been dealing with. My heart can not deny Christ or God, and I say that knowing that I have tried. I have tried to rationalize, I have tried to turn my back but when it comes down to it my heart still knows and still believes. My brain tells me, or maybe Satan tells me "That is not your heart, that is you being brainwashed growing up." and I try to make sense of all the questions running through my head and a small quiet voice says "Be not wise in your own eyes." I miss that childlike faith I had when I was a little girl, and I miss the friendship and personal relationship I felt I had with Jesus. I watched miracles and had the most amazing experiences with some beautiful people and felt the Spirit of God and the peace that it brought.I saw my own sort of proof. Here is my problem. I have a hard time believing that everyone who does not consciously accept Jesus into there heart is going to Hell for eternity. I know that Jesus says "No one can come to the father, except through me" Through him the price is paid. It is paid for all? He perished on the cross for everyone's sin's right? So if someone can not understand that and grew up totally different, and it wasn't there choice to be on this earth, that just means they are going to suffer FOREVER? It makes no sense to me, and it doesn't seem fair, and this is the block that I just can't move past. I realize that I will never fully understand it, it just is too much to comprehend. I know that I believe in the Bible and I believe in Jesus. I know that I can't just take parts of the Bible that are convenient to believe in and disregard the rest. Where is the sense in that? All I can do at this point is to believe that My God is bigger then my understanding and he is a fair a just God. It is not in my control. There is so much that I can not see and understand. All I know is that I am here now. Given life on this earth. I have seen death touch the elderly and watched there final breath come and go leaving a corpse with no life left. I feel blessed to have been part of such an intimate important time. It all seems one giant puzzle. I can't live my life how my family wants me too. I am on my own path and to me it seems it is the one less traveled. I believe my faith will grow stronger and as long as I can separate God from my family, which up to this point has been holding me back, I will never see what God has intended for my life, because when it comes down to it I equated my understanding to Jesus Christ and God to how my family thought and lived there lives. How can I see clearly if I am just looking at how people live there lives and trying to imitate. This shouldn't be a problem if I can trust that God will guide me. He is sufficient for me. I can let go and know that if I am truly searching he will show me. My life will not look exactly as yours. You may think you see my sin written all over me. Everything is so black and white, right and wrong. I have ventured down those grey roads you have warned me about with a greater understanding of life and the consequence I have taken away is just that I can not see simply black and white. I see Red, Green, Gold, Silver, Brown and Grey. I understand why it is so hard for people to believe when experience has taught them some pretty harsh realities. I understand the meaning behind the saying "ignorance is bliss." I can now see that saying working in both directions. God is still working in me. "He who has begun a good work in you, will finish it to the end." He sees my heart, knows my mind and I am excited to see what my life will hold, and I am excited to get into the Bible and talk to my Lord again without the weight on my shoulders that i am not good enough or too big of a sinner to still search, to still grow, to still change. A lot of things have gotten back to me that fellow "Christians" have said about me, like "She really went off the deep end" and many other things. You don't know the strength it took within me to forge my own path and to not let guilt rule my life and hold me back? The strength it took to know I was letting everyone down.To have 90% of the Christians in my life treat me differently. If it wasn't for that 10% I really think I would have lost all faith a long time ago. It wasn't easy but at least now I am not living my life the way I live it for all the wrong reasons. All I can say is that Jesus never abandoned me. I still feel his presence, I still hear his voice. He never left me, and loved me through it all. Thank you Lord for never leaving me, for loving me through it all. His hand is still guiding me. I am excited to see what you have in store for my life!

New Territory...

This fall I am starting a new chapter in my book called life. I am going to college for the first time ever, as a woman in my late 20's the thought is a bit frightening. It is funny how some things in life I say I will NEVER do, I end up doing. Fear is what has kept me from going. I had a billion and one excuses, "I am not wasting my money on school when I have no idea what I want to do." The problem with that excuse is that if I do not get out there I will never know what I want. I have blocked out so many opportunities simply because of FEAR. It seems silly but I know why I have been afraid. The few times I have actually tried to do something that really meant something to me I have failed miserably. I realize now that I have been looking at it all wrong. Instead of looking at my failures and realizing that it was not in fact a failure but just a door closing and a new path opening, I have limited myself and stopped growing and become stagnant and content to settle. The pilot light inside myself, I guess is how I would put it has not completely gone out. In fact a fire has rekindled inside myself to get up, get back on the road and start walking. I would have sat by waving and smiling at all the people walking by me, wondering how they found the strength and the brains to get out there and accomplish something. One day a person stopped, looked at me and encouraged me to get off my ass and believe that I could do something. That day which would have been like any other working at Miller's Variety a woman came in and told me her story and I resolved inside myself that it was time, time to do try making a difference and to stop complaining and to do something. I am hoping to get into a nursing program and who knows what might happen. I may find a totally different path or major once I get started but I am starting and it is a journey. I am not sure what is going to happen on this new path but that is okay.

Life is Full of Surprises...

A year ago I would have never imagined that I would be living in a house that I own, I would have never imagined that my mother is remarrying after 7 years (or is it 8?) of being single, and would have never thought that I would be working back at my old job at a convenient store/pizza place, or that I would be engaged. With that said it kind of baffles me or maybe scares me a little to think what is in store for me a year from now. What changes are to be expected or unexpected that will affect my life? To think about that for too long would cause some severe mental strain I am sure. I only have now, this moment, this place, I have no idea whats in store for me tomorrow or even today for that matter. I may not even be alive for long. I want to enjoy every moment that I have right now. I want to look in awe at the beauty of God's awesome creation in wonder as if it is the first time seeing it. I don't know what kind of heartache or beautiful thing is around that bend in the road, but i want to enjoy and be thankful for every minute I have until then.
I also want to say how thankful I am for friendship. I have become really close the past few years with a girlfriend I work with. I cant explain the void that would be in my life if I did not have her friendship. It is so nice to be on the same page as somebody. To enjoy a nice long talk over coffee and taking walks and yardsaling. It just makes me very happy to have a friend that I can go to when I am hurting or excited. I really forgot how nice friendship is to have. I lived my life for so many years shutting people out because I was hurt by them, I learned to find comfort in loneliness. It feels good to embrace friendship again and let down my high walls.

Change

Change is in the air, I feel it all around me. The weather has been teasing us with warmth that is unusual this time of year but I know and can feel that the cold is coming and the snow will stick the next snowfall we have. These changes I find comfort in, it is probably because it is change that I can count on. I know what to expect from winter, spring, summer, and fall.
Life brings us changes that are not constant and not at all certain. If I let myself I could become overwhelmed with worry and hesitation. It is in my nature to resist change if at all neccasary. Yet some things are out of my control. It is finding peace with the unknown, that is the hard part.
I want to romanticize my life and feel that my exsistence has greater meaning then the daily activities that make up my life. I want my words to go on beyond myself. I want to find that passion and excitement I had when I was younger. I refuse to let myself get sucked into lifes great monotony.
I dont know even what I "believe" in anymore. I do know that if I am searching I will find the answers. Right? The Human experience has more to offer then just survival, of that I am sure.

Written March 27th 2007 an old blog post I found that I wrote a long time ago...

Thinking of the word "grampa" brings so many good thoughts to my mind, and now that he is gone that doesnt change one bit. When I was 5 years old I remember it being recess at school and one of the boys in my class lost his grandfather and I remember saying to my friend at the time "He must be so sad I dont know what I would do if I lost my grampa." I couldnt even imagine what it would be like without him. He was always there for everything and I clung to him like a little girl does her daddy. Now that it has happened, now that he is really gone I am at a loss for what I think. If I had known a month ago that he would gone I think I really would have gone off the deep end but I think the Lord prepared me for it and when it was time I wanted him to go because I knew he wasnt getting better and it was time for him to be with the Lord. The man that didnt respond yesterday and couldnt even open his eyes wasnt even really my grampa, I want to write about the man I knew and Loved and still do love.

My grandmother told me once that she remembers when and why my grandfather and I became so close, it was in the winter and she was dropping off my little sister at my house and she had slipped and fell on the ice and had to be in bed for a long time. Well I was with her that weekend and it was up to Grampa to take care of me because grammy couldnt and from that time on I would go with him wherever he went and attacking him with as many hugs and kisses as he could stand (i am sure I stifled him more then once)

Grampa has always been a sarcastic man, The last time I really saw him like himself grammy was telling us that he beat her at scrabble and he overheard it from his chair and said "Are you still crying about that?" hah I sometimes wonder if that is where my little sister gets it from. He always was very caring. I was at my grandparents for the weekend when I was about 8 or 9, maybe even younger, and the phone rang. It was my mother and she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to let me know that they had put down our family dog, Jake, that we had sense I was born. I just bursted into tears and ran for Grampas lap. He sternly said "now what could have happened to make you carry on so?" and I said "They killed Jake." and he just hugged me, because he understood. They had recently put down Sally his dog.

Once I asked Grampa what his biggest memory of me was and he got this grin on his face and I said "besides wanting to throw me out of the truck." I had rolled around in the hay in his truck and I had complained the whole way home that I itched. He said "how did you know thats what I was thinking of?" He then told me another one of his biggest memories and I cant for the life of me remember it but I am sure I have it in a journal somewhere.

One of my favorite memories was one weekend a couple years ago I was spending the week over at grammy and grampas and we were playing scrabble one night and they had on this old fashioned music playing from the tv. Well I started Dancing with Grampa in the living room and grammy came in laughing, trying to breath said or tried to say "can I cut in?" so they danced in the living room for quite awhile. I so wanted a camera that night. Grammy couldnt remember the last time they danced.

I sometimes I wonder if it is from my Grandfather that I have such a love for the Outdoors. He was outside every chance he could get. Either on one of his tractors or out getting sap from the trees. Hunting and fishing, you name it he loved it. I used to love to see the coyotes after he shot them and when he would get his deer and grammy would make venison stew. He knew all the trails and where they went. Whos' land it was and every which way the streams would go and he didnt even need a trail to get to where he was going. Which reminds me of when he sold some of his land out on the perkis road. I went out there with him to mark off where there land would be and he taught me so many things. Like what tree was what and I was just amazed at how much he knew and I wanted to be just like him. Well he is gone.. he is in Heaven and here I am thinking back on this legacy he left behind. He had 5 children and 10 grandchildren. His wife, my grandmother is one of the strongest woman I know. I love her so much.

Just wanted to think back a little bit to all the reasons why I loved him so much.



See you one day grampy. I LOVE YOU

The difference in a year...

My laptop is broken and that is why I havent written in forever.
Here I sit over a year later in such a different spot. Right now I am sitting in my "Fiance's" (i hate that word... but love the meaning behind it)new building for his year round business for fried seafood. So yes i am engaged and very happily I must say. A lot has changed sense last year. It really seems like my last two years almost never happened. Like its a book that I read. J asked me to marry him on my birthday this year and I was shocked. You would think after being with someone for 4 1/2 years I would not have been so surprised but as it is I thought eventually I would have to drag him to the altar so it figures that when I wasnt really worrying about it and feeling pretty content with my life, he decides to pop the question. Second big change which actually came first. We bought a house right down the road from my older sisters and down the road a bit from my mother. which also happens to be the same town Jason's new take out restaurant is. I love our house. It really does need some updating but I am going to have a blast doing it.

Needing to take action...

I wish that I could fall asleep tonight and something amazing would happen. I would wake up and realize my calling in life. I would realize the meaning and have a purpose an excitement to go forth and meet the day with energy and aspirations. I am 25 years old and still can not keep to one thing. So what do I do? I think and I analyze and I waste my days self loathing and hoping that I will figure out what I want. I am searching and I wish that I could be a kid again with the whole world ahead of me and really understand the truth in living with our decisions. Does everyone my age feel this way??? Somehow I just dont think so.
Time keeps on slipping...
This weekend was my baby cousins wedding.. and She did everything the right way. I feel like I am living in an alternate universe. It was beautiful and pure. Such a lovely wedding. It is weird I find comfort in things that havent changed. I really think if I look at my reasons for going back to my mothers church which I have no for a whole month I really think its because it is old fashioned and feels like home. My motives are not altogether good. but I find comfort in things that never change. My world seems to constantly shift and change around me it feels good to go back to a place that hasnt changed. The hymns and the same friendly faces. The message that always screams to me that I am a sinner... It comforts me in a weird way.
Wow ... Rambling