belief....

Lately I have been searching, or struggling to understand what it was I was brought up to believe. This is pretty much a constant inner battle that I have been dealing with. My heart can not deny Christ or God, and I say that knowing that I have tried. I have tried to rationalize, I have tried to turn my back but when it comes down to it my heart still knows and still believes. My brain tells me, or maybe Satan tells me "That is not your heart, that is you being brainwashed growing up." and I try to make sense of all the questions running through my head and a small quiet voice says "Be not wise in your own eyes." I miss that childlike faith I had when I was a little girl, and I miss the friendship and personal relationship I felt I had with Jesus. I watched miracles and had the most amazing experiences with some beautiful people and felt the Spirit of God and the peace that it brought.I saw my own sort of proof. Here is my problem. I have a hard time believing that everyone who does not consciously accept Jesus into there heart is going to Hell for eternity. I know that Jesus says "No one can come to the father, except through me" Through him the price is paid. It is paid for all? He perished on the cross for everyone's sin's right? So if someone can not understand that and grew up totally different, and it wasn't there choice to be on this earth, that just means they are going to suffer FOREVER? It makes no sense to me, and it doesn't seem fair, and this is the block that I just can't move past. I realize that I will never fully understand it, it just is too much to comprehend. I know that I believe in the Bible and I believe in Jesus. I know that I can't just take parts of the Bible that are convenient to believe in and disregard the rest. Where is the sense in that? All I can do at this point is to believe that My God is bigger then my understanding and he is a fair a just God. It is not in my control. There is so much that I can not see and understand. All I know is that I am here now. Given life on this earth. I have seen death touch the elderly and watched there final breath come and go leaving a corpse with no life left. I feel blessed to have been part of such an intimate important time. It all seems one giant puzzle. I can't live my life how my family wants me too. I am on my own path and to me it seems it is the one less traveled. I believe my faith will grow stronger and as long as I can separate God from my family, which up to this point has been holding me back, I will never see what God has intended for my life, because when it comes down to it I equated my understanding to Jesus Christ and God to how my family thought and lived there lives. How can I see clearly if I am just looking at how people live there lives and trying to imitate. This shouldn't be a problem if I can trust that God will guide me. He is sufficient for me. I can let go and know that if I am truly searching he will show me. My life will not look exactly as yours. You may think you see my sin written all over me. Everything is so black and white, right and wrong. I have ventured down those grey roads you have warned me about with a greater understanding of life and the consequence I have taken away is just that I can not see simply black and white. I see Red, Green, Gold, Silver, Brown and Grey. I understand why it is so hard for people to believe when experience has taught them some pretty harsh realities. I understand the meaning behind the saying "ignorance is bliss." I can now see that saying working in both directions. God is still working in me. "He who has begun a good work in you, will finish it to the end." He sees my heart, knows my mind and I am excited to see what my life will hold, and I am excited to get into the Bible and talk to my Lord again without the weight on my shoulders that i am not good enough or too big of a sinner to still search, to still grow, to still change. A lot of things have gotten back to me that fellow "Christians" have said about me, like "She really went off the deep end" and many other things. You don't know the strength it took within me to forge my own path and to not let guilt rule my life and hold me back? The strength it took to know I was letting everyone down.To have 90% of the Christians in my life treat me differently. If it wasn't for that 10% I really think I would have lost all faith a long time ago. It wasn't easy but at least now I am not living my life the way I live it for all the wrong reasons. All I can say is that Jesus never abandoned me. I still feel his presence, I still hear his voice. He never left me, and loved me through it all. Thank you Lord for never leaving me, for loving me through it all. His hand is still guiding me. I am excited to see what you have in store for my life!

New Territory...

This fall I am starting a new chapter in my book called life. I am going to college for the first time ever, as a woman in my late 20's the thought is a bit frightening. It is funny how some things in life I say I will NEVER do, I end up doing. Fear is what has kept me from going. I had a billion and one excuses, "I am not wasting my money on school when I have no idea what I want to do." The problem with that excuse is that if I do not get out there I will never know what I want. I have blocked out so many opportunities simply because of FEAR. It seems silly but I know why I have been afraid. The few times I have actually tried to do something that really meant something to me I have failed miserably. I realize now that I have been looking at it all wrong. Instead of looking at my failures and realizing that it was not in fact a failure but just a door closing and a new path opening, I have limited myself and stopped growing and become stagnant and content to settle. The pilot light inside myself, I guess is how I would put it has not completely gone out. In fact a fire has rekindled inside myself to get up, get back on the road and start walking. I would have sat by waving and smiling at all the people walking by me, wondering how they found the strength and the brains to get out there and accomplish something. One day a person stopped, looked at me and encouraged me to get off my ass and believe that I could do something. That day which would have been like any other working at Miller's Variety a woman came in and told me her story and I resolved inside myself that it was time, time to do try making a difference and to stop complaining and to do something. I am hoping to get into a nursing program and who knows what might happen. I may find a totally different path or major once I get started but I am starting and it is a journey. I am not sure what is going to happen on this new path but that is okay.