Restless...

I never dreamt that life would be this way. This way meaning, unhappy and not sure where to go and what to do. I know that anyone reading this from my past would say "Its because your living in sin." or "You need to work on your relationship with God." I am sick of those answers. God knows me better then anyone, and almost noone knows me anymore. It was quite refreshing yesterday to run out of work and go meet my old roommate from bible school at a store called the settlement right off 95 even if it was only for 20 minutes. Mel probally knows my heart better then most people in my life. It was refreshing because I did something and Mel just started shaking her head and laughing that laugh that is so signature of mel and said "You are the same old Allison" I have changed so much in an outward sense and how I live my life but she can see through that and still see me. Everyone else around me really has no clue. I used to be a people person. Today at work I was kind of goofy and saying random things. Most people at first glance would take that as I am happy, but one perceptive person (which didnt make me happy) made the comment that i wasnt acting like myself. they said "You like to keep to yourself, you dont like people." They weren't saying it in a mean way just more bringing up the fact that I am an introvert. He then continued to ask if I was ok.
It is true though, no I am not ok, and I dont like people like I used to. but its not that I dont like them, its just not such a naive love of people. I find people interesting, its just now I feel like I can not relate to everyday people. I feel different. I find comfort in my own solitude now. I use to run from being alone and now I almost cherish it. I am still me though. Thank you mel for reminding me of that.

Read something earlier that made my heart pound and my eyes water. It was odd. Little parts of me that I thought were dead and gone sometimes resurface in the most mysterious ways. Reading about somebody elses hope when life did not give them much to hope for made me realize that in my past I didnt used to be so skeptical about life.
I am so out of touch with my inner goodness. I know that sounds weird. I have grown to be so selfish the last few years. I almost hate myself for it. It is time to do something about it and try to not be so jaded about life when I have a whole big world outside my door that is full of hope and life and dreams.

On another note.. I bought a pizza oven yesterday. Its not a convienant store but its the start of my store.. even if I have to buy it one piece at a time.

Hope.... Dream.... Something..

Dreams...

So I realize after talking with a couple real close friends of mine it is time to get off my buttocks and start doing something about my dreams, rather then complain about not having what I want. So I have to ask myself "what are my dreams anyway?" It is time to reevaluate what it is exactly that I want out of my life and why. I have been having a hard time weeding through my brain lately and figuring out exactly what I want. I mean really figuring out what I want out of my life. Some of the things that I think that I want may be different if I really had them. A farm for instance. I love the idea of having a farm but could I really hack it? Would I really enjoy it on a large scale level of that being all that I do. When I ask myself that question I am not sure that I know the answer. I think in part yes, but then again I think I would be content really having a hobby farm to help provide for my family. The problem with that is it provides no income. It helps save cost in other areas but it wont pay a mortgage. With all the different things running through my head the one thing I keep coming back to is owning my own convenient store.. It sounds silly maybe, but I would know what I was doing... I really would. I could see myself doing that for the rest of my life. I know real "big" aspirations but I have always been pretty simple. All I have ever wanted is a simple life. Honestly if it wasn't for the religious part I think I could be Amish.
All I know is that I am not content working for "the man" every day I feel like I have wasted precious time. Now that I know what I want I need to do it. So with anything it will take time. I need to save as much as I can or slowly buy what I need. Probably a little of both.
In the current economy it may be foolish to even think of starting my own business but for some reason it makes me want to do it all the more and succeed.

Sometimes it feels so good to talked to someone that has known you most of your life. They know you for who you were and also for who you are, not just for who you appear to be with someone you have just met. My life is so different then it ever used to be and its refreshing to talk with someone who knows my heart. Some friendships appear out of nowhere and seem to stick even if time has come inbetween. It is so rare now that I am older to find a true friend. I cherish the ones that I have come across.

SOOOOOOO... I am so excited that my seedlings have popped up. Little babies of lettuce and beetgreens... :) I cant wait til they get bigger and I can plant them in my garden. I need to start some other seedlings... The day just went by way to fast for me. I wish it was still noon..
So today I went for a walk in the woods with my friend Crissy and her kids. It was fun until we noticed that crissy was covered in ticks! We had to pick like 5 off of her and they were not the good sized ones they were the little bastards that are so hard to see. We couldnt find any on me and there were a few on the kids, now every itch I have is magnified and I am super paranoid that there is one on me. I hate ticks! I grew up playing the woods behind my house and never do I have one memory of a tick being on me. It seems like they are everywhere now. I really need to start making my raised beds for the garden but I need the money to go buy the supplies!

Ready for the weekend...

I feel like I am in mental quicksand. slowly.. slooooowly sinking so slow that I can feel my mental legs and I can not move them and that makes me frantic struggling to be free while all the time I just keep sinking deeper. Which is my problem. If I would just let my mind be still would that free me from the quick sand? Sometimes doing nothing makes me feel like I am getting nowhere, but my thinking and agonizing over way to make life what I want it is making me feel more stuck then I have ever felt before. Is it really so easy to be content? To feel happy.
I look back at my couple of blogs from the last couple days I realize that I must look like a roller coaster of emotions.
I find it amusing that my positive entries are on my days off and my negative ones are on the days i work. I am not sure what that is telling me?
I am just feeling restless like I am in a race with time and with life and time is completely kicking my ass, like before I know it I will be 80 and wondering why the heck I didnt do the things I wanted. I think sometimes I define myself by who I want to be and yet I feel a fake and a phony because I can't get out of my mental slump to follow my dreams and be who I want to be.
Rant Rant Rant... I appologize to all who read.. haha but it feels so good to get it out and not just in my own brain.. to get it out.. and press... POST

So today was the begining of a new work week. The day was full of new things that I had to learn. Also got to brainstorm for some new things at work, which had to be my favorite part of the day.
Outside of that I just want to run away. I want to run away from the bullshit and I want run away from the responsiblity of life. I am so frusterated and I am in a negative mood and I need to get things off my chest. I just wish for once that something could be handed over to me. I am sick of working so hard and feeling like I get nowhere. I dont just mean in my current career I just mean life in general. I think I need a vacation not only from work but from life. Life as I know it anyways. I know that everyone has to work for what they have. I am no different then anybody else but it just sucks sometimes.
I wish that I was in a place that I hold so dear. A place that just doesnt exsist in the same way that it used to. I wish that I was there in that place. Sitting on a big granite slab and watching the sheep run across the meadow. I wish that I could sit there and cry with my arms up to the sky praying to the Lord, to come cleanse me and make me feel clean whole and at peace. Not only does that place not exsist anymore that girl no longer exsist either. You can only go so far and compromise so much before you don't even recognize who you once were.

Glances at beauty...

Sitting on the couch with my laptop I just glanced out the window. The love seat is blocking part of my vision but my eye wanders to lower left hand corner of the window and even though its just a part of the bigger picture I can see the start of a white fence and green grass down the road. I linger over the view for a moment. It isn't much but it is beautiful and it moves something within me.
It has been a long time sense I have let my eyes and my ears linger over the things that I find so breathtaking. When you let negativity rule your life slowly it takes a toll.
I may wish that I was a farmer and that I didnt have to work at a 40 hour pace sitting at a desk talking with people across the country, I may wish that I had my own house rather then renting. I may wish that I had a baby and a ring on my finger but life is too short to concentrate on the things that you dont have. I have learned that the hard way and I am determined to look foward to the future and work towards my goals but I will not let the day go by without finding some sort of beauty in it. Whether it be the fact that my clean kitchen floor is drying, or the celtic music I have playing on pandora is making my heart smile. It may be so simple as glancing at a white fence down the road but it makes me happy.

A new start... in the morning

So I am constantly procrastinating. I mean at everything. I meant to start this blog 2 months ago. So here I am behind and not knowing really where to start.
Today is Easter and I really did have a great day.
First of all I woke up at 5:30 a.m. (not the bright point of my day) got dressed in the dark and headed to a neighboring town where my mother and my two sisters go to church. I just recently started going back to church after a 3 year absence, but not my mothers church. This morning though being easter I felt that it would be better to spend some much needed time with my family. Rather then sitting by myself at a random church where noone knows me. Usually that suits me well but Easter has always been my favorite holiday.
Driving this morning as the sun was rising and seeing how the light hit the trees and the fields and all the houses made me slow down even though I was running late as usual. With the windows down and freezing cold I could smell that smell of spring and earth. My favorite smell. I should have been pondering thoughts of Christ Rising from the tomb and normal thoughts of easter morning. Yet I was worshiping in my own way.
Church was good the youth group put on a program and breakfast was quite satisfying after.
On my way back home I blasted a new song that I have become obsessed with over the last couple days and played it over and over again. Its not the coolest song ever. My boyfriend hates it but I blasted it and felt completely content in the moment.
My boyfriend was still sleeping when I got home so I started cleaning up the house and I planted some seedlings for my veggie garden.
It has been a long day. later we went to my hunny's familys for dinner and got see my nephew. It was a blast. It feels good to be home now and know that my bed is waiting for me.
Oh dreams please come tonight and bring me peace and hope for my future. At present my dreams seem so far away, so unattainable. Its my own laziness, it always is in the way.. but somehow I know its just around that bend in the road.